The Ballad of the Baklava Girl
Jim Pascoe

Met a girl in a Hollywood bar
The first words she said to me
Wasn’t "hi," "hello," or "how do you do?"
It was a confrontational pastry reference

I screamed, I cried, I threw my hands in the air
What to say? What to do?
Well, I looked this girl right in her eye and said
"How dare you question my pastry knowledge!"

That's what she did, this girl, she questioned me
She said, "You don't know what baklava is."
Well, I do, know you, you silly girl from Israel
What do I have to do, list the ingredients or something?

Tasty filo dough (woo!)
Crushed pistachios (woo!)
Baked honey glaze (woo!)
Cut in diamond shapes and serve

I'm a baklava eater! Baklava eater! Baklava eater! Yeah!

This wasn't good enough for you-know-who
Her teeth flashed a vicious smile
I expected the wrath of her inanities upon me
But she remained surprisingly silent

That's when from across the room there came another girl
Her legs were long and she was hot
She said, "I can't believe you don't know what baklava is?
I should know, I'm from Egypt."

I screamed, I cried, I threw my hands in the air
What to say? What to do?
I was being attacked on both sides from the Middle East
It was just like World War III except they weren't wearing a blue hat

Tasty filo dough (woo!)
Crushed pistachios (woo!)
Baked honey glaze (woo!)
Cut in diamond shapes and serve

I'm a baklava eater! Baklava eater! Baklava eater! Yeah!

The drinks piled high and the night grew long
It was time for us to go
And as we marched out through the door
She gazed at me incredulously

We could go almost anywhere.
We can do almost anything.
But in the end we stumbled into a Vietnamese karaoke bar
It was the beginning of the end

I walked right up to the last waitress of the night
I said, "I like one final drink."
But when I put my glass up to my lips
The girl from Israel was gone...

I screamed, I cried, I threw my hands in the air
What to say? What to do?
Well, I went home and tucked myself into bed
My dreams were filled with baklava

Tasty filo dough (woo!)
Crushed pistachios (woo!)
Baked honey glaze (woo!)
Cut in diamond shapes and serve

I'm a baklava eater! Baklava eater! Baklava eater! Yeah!