You know me. I spend so much of my time writing, designing, making music, and sending Iraq into civil war with my failed domestic policies during a brief tenure as prime minister -- it's enough to make people wonder when am I going to get off my ass and help people?

The answer is now.

Today I'm adding a new skill to my ever-increasing portfolio, one that I hope will not only bring boundless riches, literally pots and pots of gold, but also deep personal and social rewards.

I would like to announce that I am a leprechaun bounty hunter for hire.

You may ask yourself what could a poor, helpless leprechaun do that would deserve a merciless fate at the hands of Jim Pascoe. Why don't you ask the people of Mobile, Alabama that question, and then get back to me?

Here are the facts:
- Leprechauns are a menace.
- Their reckless hoarding of gold has had untold effects on the value of the dollar in today's global economy.
- They are poorly drawn.
- The leprechaun appropriation of the rainbow motif is a clear slight against the gay community.
- Now with "whole grains," their cereal sucks.
- Trees are for middle-class white children to build clubhouses in, or for underprivileged black crack addicts to hide in. They are NOT for your nighttime terror activities.

Critics of my new venture may feel that I'm an opportunist. Besides the fact that this is true, I have a long-standing feud against these hateful little pests since I was accosted by a leprechaun at Porn Star Karaoke in Burbank.

I'm serious. A tiny little man with a red beard and thin pipe waited until Gabrielle left our table for just a moment, and then chose exactly that moment to strike!

Now, if you think for a moment that I was just drunk, surrounded by half-naked women, and hallucinating small magical being, then you ... well, you wouldn't be that far from the truth. But the point is I take my work very seriously. And if you put up the cash, I will hunt down and kill any leprechaun that bothers you, your family, or your neighborhood.

Thank you.

Silly, Saddam. When are you going to learn that you are no longer the President of Iraq.

I am the President of Iraq.

You, sir, are making a mockery of these preceedings.

[This is a copy of a previous prepared text by Jim Pascoe. He still remains in hiding.]