Christmas lights. I don't hate 'em. Some are really inspiring, but a lot end up in cheese land real fast. Don't even get me started about icicle lights.

Now tonight, I drive by this house on the way home and it's got lights on the roof -- not along the edge of the roof, ON THE ROOF -- that spell out in script letters:

Jesus the Reason

Was it just too damn much trouble to put in that "IS"? Did they run out of space? A little bit of advance planning and you would know better than to be stuck with a "Jesus is the Reas" on your tiny roof. But still...

I'd like to believe that these folks dream at night that God is up there surveying the neighborhood. And he's all, "Jesus! Boy, get over here. Check it out." God throws his arm around his son and points down to my neighborhood. "See that? 'Jesus the Reason' baby! Hive five! Get the Holy Ghost over here to check this shit out!"

Of course it's rather presumptious of me to think this is a religious message. Jesus the Reason -- could be a Mexican wrestler. "Ladies and Gentlemen! In this corner, from Mexico City! Jesus! The Reason! The Reason!"

The crowd goes wild.

Damn. I want that to me MY wrestling name. Well, I'm not much of a wrestler. Maybe my mob name.

"Hey, Bugsy. I gots the bad news. The Tony the Chin was talking to Jim the Reason, and the boys ain't happy. Yeah, it's the Christmas lights again. I know, I know. But you don' wanna gets on the bad side of the Reason."

No. You don't.

Dear California, you ungrateful bitch. Oh how I'd like to stick a knife in your lazy, liberal throat.

Whatever happened to the spirit of Christmas, the brotherhood of man, and all that stuff?

When you can't find time to get out of your Prius and help me get some time off of work by having a good, old-fashion, soul-cleansing riot over the execution of a god-damned kids-book-writing gang leader whose name rhymes with nookie ... what? Are you high? Tough time at Pontius Pilates? Or were you just lulled into complacency because Bush claimed "responsibility" for the Iraq invasion -- 'cause that's great when the commander-in-chief of the entire armed forces admits that "you know that WAR we've been fighting for the last, oh I don't know, THREE YEARS? Yeah that. I had a hand in it."

Next up: Bill Gates claims responsibility for releasing Windows, and J.K. Rowling claims responsibility for writing Harry Potter, and Jim Pascoe claims responsibility for sticking his boot up the ass of the Golden State.

So many reasons to riot, so little time.

Stanley Tookie Williams is dead. While it's important to understand that I'm not specifically trying to incite a riot (please see yesterday's post), if it means disrupting the city and getting my office to close down while the fires die out, so that I can more fully enjoy the upcoming holiday season, spending quality time with my family, well... With that said, please keep the following in mind today while your anger seethes uncontrollably.

• Wear proper shoes. Leather soles make for easy moonwalking, you retro hound, but will more easily make you slip and fall while running from the cops down blood-slicked streets.

• Don't forget to grab enough power strips. Nothing's worse than coming home from a good looting only to realize that you don't have enough outlets to plug in your newly liberated electronics. And nothing kills the buzz of a good riot like a trip to Home Depot.

• Location, Location, Location. Forget South Central, those poor peeps have had their fair share of riots -- spread the love around a bit. Consider Hollywood, near where I work. The looting is bound to be better.

• Ignore any temptation to "talk things out" and discuss the "important" racial issue and human-right concerns brought up by the Williams case. You are right and they are wrong. Trust in our elected officials and follow their example of acting without thinking.

• Finally, ask yourself how can rioting help me, Jim Pascoe, and how can it improve my already comfortable lifestyle? If you can't answer these questions: don't riot. Just remember that your contributions to anarchy could net me a day, possibly more, off of work.

Be smart. Be safe. And most importantly have fun today.

Thanks.

Dear California, I'm writing this letter to you to ask that you please consider rioting when Tookie Williams is finally executed.

The holiday season has really taken its toll on me -- what with various freelance projects all coming due and Christmas shopping that I've barely begun -- I could use a couple days off of work.

Your wanton rage shouldn't have to remain bottled up. In fact, the more you destroy and the more chaos you contribute to, the more time I could possibly get off. Ultimately my relaxation will contribute to a more peaceful holiday season for me and my family. Don't you think that a few TVs stolen in protest of government-sponsored killing of a gang leader is worth it?

Think of it as bringing sense to senseless violence.

Thank you for your consideration in this matter.

-- Jim Pascoe