Please support my art, writing, and imperial pursuits with a contribution!
Monday, February 28, 2005
BAGHDAD, Iraq -- Returning from a week-long drunken bender that started with a wild Prime Minister Day celebration, Prime Minister Jim Pascoe announced that Iraq would be honored with a new national anthem. This anthem turned out to be none other than the Pascoe-penned classic, "The Fluff Girls."
"I'm very proud of the people of Iraq," the Prime Minister said. "And of course I'm very proud of 'The Fluff Girls.' So really it just seemed like a natural fit."
When asked if this decision was carefully thought out and not perhaps an alcohol-influenced snap decision, Pascoe snapped. "Look, my country's musical supervisor kept private messaging me: 'Can I pick a national anthem? Can I? Can I?' And I was like, 'Kowe, for Christ's sake pick a damn anthem!' This isn't rocket science, people. I looked through all my iTunes playlists, and I feel confident I made the right choice."
As a gift to the world, Pascoe also released a new recording of the national anthem. Stand up, put your hand over your heart, and listen to it here.
Monday, February 21, 2005
BAGHDAD, Iraq -- In response to the traditional U.S. national holiday celebrated on the third Monday of February, known as Presidents' Day, Iraq Prime Minister Jim Pascoe has declared the following Tuesday (2/22 this year) to be Prime Minister Day.
The declaration was not met with enthusiasm from Pascoe's numerous detractors.
"This is totally Jim's way of just giving himself a four-day weekend," said "Sally," a Pascoe ex-girlfriend. "He was greedy and self-centered when I made the mistake of sleeping with him, and guess what? Nothing's changed. Well, except for the me sleeping with him part. That is totally over."
Sally had previous fled to Russia following the Pascoe affair. She has returned to the U.S. with Gordon Huntly of the Helen and Gordon Huntly Detective Agency.
The Prime Minister remained upbeat despite the verbal attacks. "I'm not going to let Huntly and the floozy get to me on this very special day celebrating me," Pascoe stated. "I urge all Americans to join me and my fellow Iraqis in raising a glass of vodka, because, let's face it, this is as good enough reason to drink as any."
Several glasses of vodka later and Pascoe was even more enthusiastic about the new holiday. "Come on, people, I am on a roll here. You can not say that a free Iraq is not a better, happier, drunker Iraq. And that is my influence, baby. You can not tell me that Iraq is not for players, and do you know why? IRAQ IS FOR PLAYERS THAT'S WHY!!! PRIME MINISTER IN THE HOUSE!"
Strangely, reports suggest that Pascoe passed out approximately 45 minutes before the holiday's official beginning.
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Oh my, the new Daft Punk CD -- Human After All -- totally rules. Not in the way that I rule Iraq. More in the way that Bon Jovi rules New Jersey.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
ST. PETERSBURG, Russia -- Several of Iraq Prime Minister Jim Pascoe's ex-girlfriends have spoken out against his policies, calling them unstable and offensive. They seemed particularly incensed by the new "Iraq is for Players" T-shirts, now on sale.
Gordon Huntly of the Helen and Gordon Huntly Detective Agency has managed to track down this gaggle of gals, all of whom claimed to have had affairs with Pascoe before moving to Russia after the relationship went sour. All of the young ladies chose to remain anonymous for this report.
"I was totally afraid of him during our brief thing," said ex-girlfriend #1. " I always thought he was like moments away from shouting in a crowded room or taking his pants off. For someone who wants to be with me in a thing, that's totally unacceptable. I mourn for the 'players' in Iraq."
"The Prime Minister of Iraq? You've got to be kidding me?" ex-girlfriend #2 said. "This 'joke' -- if you can even call it that -- is typical of Jim Pascoe's tastelessness. And I'm not just bitter because he modeled the bimbo in his book Five Shots and a Funeral after me. No, I'm pissed because this stupid T-shirt of his disrespects the Iraq people. And I'm a big supporter of diversity, even for those people over there."
Ex-girlfriend #3 stated emphatically that the Prime Minister went too far with his T-shirt campaign, citing several reasons. "Okay, Iraq is for Players. Cute right? Not. It's misogynistic and chauvinistic and it puts women and children at risk. Hello? What does he think this is, Afghanistan?"
Perhaps the strongest allegation was the one surrounding the Prime Minister's more recent move to sell infant clothing. Gordon Huntly claims that such products have lead to increased occurrences of play-date-rape, although he was unable to present sufficient statistics to support this claim.
Still the shrill cries of this trio of spurned ex-lovers add up to a haunting account of a man many feel is abusing his elected position.
Pascoe refused to comment directly on these verbal attacks, but had this to say about Gordon Huntly. "I don't know who's lining this Huntly character's pocket with cash, but these allegations are nothing more than baseless smear tactics. I won a God-damn Emmy, people. Do you think I have time for some private dick and his muckraking? I have a country to run ... and T-shirts to sell."
Undeterred by Pascoe's huffy response, Huntly praised the bold actions of these women, calling them "American Heroes" who were willing to "build cultural bridges to better the situation in Iraq."
Monday, February 14, 2005
Due to overwhelming demand, Pascoe's new clothing line featuring his election victory slogan, "Iraq is for Players," has expanded to include infant-wear. Now babies can join the growing ranks of adults who support Pascoe's political aims.
Inspired by young Iraqi diplomat Owen Dale, the new infant creeper makes a bold statement. And that statement is "Mamma, don't let your babies grow up to be terrorists."
Friday, February 11, 2005
I couldn't convince the authorities to drop the charges on Treasurer Suave, so the finances of Iraq falls directly into my hands. I believe there is a better way than stealing from Jay Leno to raise funds for that wonderful country now under my rule.
That's right, my friends -- I'm selling T-shirts to fund my agenda of peace in the middle east!
Inspired by one of my earliest reports on this site, the fancy new national T-shirt of Iraq bodly states: IRAQ IS FOR PLAYERS. You better believe it, yo. You've shown support for the U.S. troops, now it's time to show some love for the pimps and players in this fine country.
I've also added a button on the lower left of this page to donate to my freedom fund. Freelance writing doesn't pay the big bucks -- and being Prime Minister of Iraq is even worse. Even a dollar or two can make the difference between freedom and me getting yelled at by the First Lady for dipping into the "good vodka" that we're supposed to save for guests.
Please help me help the world.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
BAGHDAD, Iraq -- Things are not going as planned.
Prime Minister Pascoe faced toughed challenges this weekend, facing cabinet unrest, deadline pressure from his Crime Spree Magazine editor, and disgruntled reader responses from his monthly WebTips column.
"First of all, My 'Ugly Eye for the Mystery Guy' column is NOT late," Pascoe demanded. "Jon Jordan only e-mailed me to gently remind me that it was coming due. I'm working on it! And this business about the reader complaints about my WebTips column -- come on ... it's called lead time, people. I can't control which sites go out of business."
Pascoe became more flustered when asked about his newly appointed cabinet.
"Bunch of slop artists, the whole lot of 'em!" Pascoe screamed. "Get this -- Over-Under Secretary Dale is complaining about being singled out for his party affiliation, typical Republican. Treasurer Suave has been arrested for ripping off Jay Leno (I told the police it was in the name of freedom!). Ambassador Hermann is on 'permanent vacation' since losing the Super Bowl to the Geneva Patriots (or maybe he's not returning my calls because it's his birthday). And to top it all off, Secretary of Statement Lange has complained about her title, insisting instead that she be named Secretary of Towels so that she could work toward bringing in more full-service Laundromats throughout the country. Only Kowe and Niles are being cool about all this, and that's because they're drunk and listening to music."
It is interesting that such an outrageous display of temper should flare up from this would-be potentate of peace. Inside sources have followed up on earlier reported leads about Pascoe's ties with Saddam Hussein.
"It appears that Pascoe was in charge of a 1996 attempted invasion of Andorra," Gordon Huntly of the Helen and Gordon Huntly Detective Agency said. "While no troops were deployed, records show that Pascoe repeatedly called Andorra asking them to sign and fax back surrender papers."
Huntly continued: "Recent research show that Pascoe has expressed interest in acquiring the publishing rights to Hussein's pulp novels. Helen and I believe that he is using the Iraq Election to win friends and build support for his publishing delusions of grandeur."
Such allegations could hamper Pascoe's ability to lead. Only time will tell if Pascoe's budding empire will crumble to pieces.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Boy, running a country like Iraq is hard. I'm so tired that when I logged into the blogger interface and read the buttom "create a new post," I actually though it was prompting me to create a new cabinet post. I will not be swayed so easily! You and your computers can not tell ME how to run a country! I will not be a shameless puppet of technology. I demand freedom!
3:30 am is a special time because I can never figure out if I should stop drinking coffee or start a fresh pot.
Mmmm. Smell that? It's not freedom. It's coffee! No, it's freedom! No, it's...
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Iraq Prime Minister Jim Pascoe announced today the names of the proud few who will serve with him in leading the Middle East to freedom.
Over-Under Secretary of Dismissive and Right-Wing Condescension - Michael J. Dale, Republican
Who better to work on the Road to Freedom than a civil engineer? Dale will also provide a powerful link to the powerful Bush Administration, mostly because no one else in the Pascoe ruling party can stand to talk to the big Texas dope -- but, hey, thanks for the election!
Ambassador of Sportsman-Like Conduct - Chad Hermann
After this Sunday's Super Bowl win, Mr. Hermann will most likely announce that the Geneva Convention will be moved to the much larger convention center in central Pennsylvania and be renamed the Philadelphia Convention. War Criminals will continue to be treated fairly under Hermann's watch, although spiking of the prisoners will be tolerated in the case of a really cool touchdown.
Secretary of Statement - Kelly Lange
Perhaps the only person capable of talking more incessantly than the Prime Minister himself, former newscaster and current mystery writing superstar Lange will not be responsible for talking to the press; she'll just be responsible for talking. During these tirades -- to be known as the Tirades of Freedom -- Lange will inevitably plug her own novels, although the administration hopes that she will put in a passing reference to the Prime Minister's work as well.
Music Supervisor - Kowe
Forget food, shelter, medicine, and all that other crap (I mean, that stuff will come IN TIME!). What the Iraqi people need is MUSIC. It can now be revealed that the supply shortage of Apple's iPod Shuffle is due to Senator Kowe's large order for the majority of the Pro-Pascoe Iraqi population. Just think how much easier it will be to spot the Insurgents if they are the only ones wearing WMA-players?
Head of the eBay Treasury - Suave the UberWop
The Prime Minister's plan for economic freedom of the Iraqi Nation begins with Suave's masterful recommendation to sell unwanted Iraqi trinkets from the '60s and '70s on eBay. If Vice President Cheney could credit the booming U.S. economy on unreported eBay figures, just think of the heights to which this UberWop can take the noble people of Iraq.
Self-Appointed Minister of Drunken Good Times - Chris Niles
Not content to rule the Breakaway Republic of Brooklynistan (oh, how I love saying that out loud), the lovely and talented Ms. Niles is the only member of the Pasconian Cabinet to officially bribe her way into the position [note: Niles neither condones nor endorses the use of the split infinitive]. Her official "communication" follows:
"Please accept our humble gift of ten thousand pairs of birkenstocks, five thousand gallons of soy pumpkin latte (complete with cardboard cup holders), a year round pass to the Prospect Park dog beach and a hand-embridered application to have Park Slope twinned with Fallujah.
"The good comrades of Brooklynistan are united in believing that your great nation can only prosper under your benevolent rule. However, should political asylum become a necessity, however regrettable, you may wish to consider, in exchange for ten thousand barrels of light sweet crude per month, how desirable Park Slope is for the political leader on the run.
"We offer for your consideration a number of villas with all of the basic necessities: gun-turrets (offering panoramic views of the city), reinforced steel-lined tantrum room, mirrors that never make you look fat, and poorly paid domestic help.
"May Allah continue to shower the great blessings of the by-product of fossilized carbon-based creatures upon you."
And upon you all as well.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
BAGHDAD, Iraq -- Iraq's interim leader called on his countrymen to set aside their differences Monday while jubilant Iraqis await Prime Minister Jim Pascoe's leadership.
The election will almost certainly bring to power the country's long-suppressed Shiite Muslims, who make up 60 percent of Iraq's population, boosting the sect's influence and worrying neighboring countries with Sunni majorities.
Iraqi interim Prime Minister Ayad Allawi addressed those concerns by saying "what better way to begin a national dialogue than with a writer of Jim Pascoe's caliber. Indeed, we are confident he will guarantee that the voices of all Iraqis are present in the coming government."
In his first news conference since the election, he called on Iraqis to work together toward peace, saying: "The terrorists now know that they cannot win against Pascoe."
Still, others are not so sure.
Allegations that Pascoe may have had ties or is currently fashioning ties with Saddam Hussein have freedom watchers up in arms.
Prime Minister Pascoe was not available for comment. He is currently working on assignments to key cabinet positions that are being hotly contested between his present associates. An announcement is expected within days.
© Jim Pascoe. All Rights Reserved.