Iraq Prime Minister Jim Pascoe announced today the names of the proud few who will serve with him in leading the Middle East to freedom.

Over-Under Secretary of Dismissive and Right-Wing Condescension - Michael J. Dale, Republican
Who better to work on the Road to Freedom than a civil engineer? Dale will also provide a powerful link to the powerful Bush Administration, mostly because no one else in the Pascoe ruling party can stand to talk to the big Texas dope -- but, hey, thanks for the election!

Ambassador of Sportsman-Like Conduct - Chad Hermann
After this Sunday's Super Bowl win, Mr. Hermann will most likely announce that the Geneva Convention will be moved to the much larger convention center in central Pennsylvania and be renamed the Philadelphia Convention. War Criminals will continue to be treated fairly under Hermann's watch, although spiking of the prisoners will be tolerated in the case of a really cool touchdown.

Secretary of Statement - Kelly Lange
Perhaps the only person capable of talking more incessantly than the Prime Minister himself, former newscaster and current mystery writing superstar Lange will not be responsible for talking to the press; she'll just be responsible for talking. During these tirades -- to be known as the Tirades of Freedom -- Lange will inevitably plug her own novels, although the administration hopes that she will put in a passing reference to the Prime Minister's work as well.

Music Supervisor - Kowe
Forget food, shelter, medicine, and all that other crap (I mean, that stuff will come IN TIME!). What the Iraqi people need is MUSIC. It can now be revealed that the supply shortage of Apple's iPod Shuffle is due to Senator Kowe's large order for the majority of the Pro-Pascoe Iraqi population. Just think how much easier it will be to spot the Insurgents if they are the only ones wearing WMA-players?

Head of the eBay Treasury - Suave the UberWop
The Prime Minister's plan for economic freedom of the Iraqi Nation begins with Suave's masterful recommendation to sell unwanted Iraqi trinkets from the '60s and '70s on eBay. If Vice President Cheney could credit the booming U.S. economy on unreported eBay figures, just think of the heights to which this UberWop can take the noble people of Iraq.

Self-Appointed Minister of Drunken Good Times - Chris Niles
Not content to rule the Breakaway Republic of Brooklynistan (oh, how I love saying that out loud), the lovely and talented Ms. Niles is the only member of the Pasconian Cabinet to officially bribe her way into the position [note: Niles neither condones nor endorses the use of the split infinitive]. Her official "communication" follows:

"Please accept our humble gift of ten thousand pairs of birkenstocks, five thousand gallons of soy pumpkin latte (complete with cardboard cup holders), a year round pass to the Prospect Park dog beach and a hand-embridered application to have Park Slope twinned with Fallujah.

"The good comrades of Brooklynistan are united in believing that your great nation can only prosper under your benevolent rule. However, should political asylum become a necessity, however regrettable, you may wish to consider, in exchange for ten thousand barrels of light sweet crude per month, how desirable Park Slope is for the political leader on the run.

"We offer for your consideration a number of villas with all of the basic necessities: gun-turrets (offering panoramic views of the city), reinforced steel-lined tantrum room, mirrors that never make you look fat, and poorly paid domestic help.

"May Allah continue to shower the great blessings of the by-product of fossilized carbon-based creatures upon you."

And upon you all as well.