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Monday, January 31, 2005Jim Pascoe Elected Prime Minister of Iraq
BAGHDAD, Iraq - While polling stations finished the first-phase count of millions of ballots from the weekend election that many Iraqis hope will usher in democracy and hasten the departure of 150,000 American troops, it now seems certain that the Iraqi people have voiced their decision to have Jim Pascoe lead their country to freedom.
"I'm overwhelmed with joy," Pascoe said from his interim throne in Los Angeles. "The prospect of leading these people -- my people -- to greater freedom and prosperity is, well, it's hella cool." Electoral commission officials said turnout in hardline Sunni areas was better than some expected, though they cited no numbers. A U.S. diplomat warned that Sunni participation appeared "considerably lower" than that of other groups. This could be the cause for Pascoe's easy victory. "It's no secret that the Sunnis aren't my biggest fans. They appear to be upset that the insect bad guys in my Buffy the Vampire Slayer story, Out of the Woodwork are modeled after Islamic insurgents. Nothing could be further from the truth," Pascoe insisted. "Clearly, the insects were representative of the Nazi's totalitarian rule." Pascoe went on to say that if people disagree with that interpretation of the antagonists' profile, they should read the story for themselves. The comic book trade paperback is available for sale at Amazon.com, BN.com, and other fine retailers. Pascoe's editor at Dark Horse Comics, Scott Allie, said, "I heard the election results from Iraq, and wanted to congratulate you -- I don't know if writing comics, novels, and other greasy kids stuff is good experience for a prime minister of a soon-to-be-failed democracy, but I figure it could be worse." No one from either the Bush camp or the interim Iraqi government would comment on Allie's doomsday prediction specifically. Main Bush party supporters were said to be "praying for Pascoe to bring peace to the Middle East," while Iraq's interior minister, Falah al-Naqib, told Britain's Channel 4 News he expected there would be no need for U.S. troops any longer than 18 months because "with Pascoe in power, Iraq's security forces will finally have the leadership necessary to handle the job without U.S. assistance." Pascoe's response was simple: "Fail?" he said. "How could democracy fail with me in charge? I'm the man." // posted at
1:53 PM //
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© Jim Pascoe. All Rights Reserved.
50 Comments:
As Andrew Card likes to say, "It's a good day for freedom!"
Congrats, Premier Pascoe.
Though I did not contribute great gobs of money to your campaign, we've been friends for a long time, so, if it's not too much trouble, I'd like a cabinet post for which I'm eminently unqualified. Minister of Halliburton Relations would be nice (I suspect the money would be good). Or perhaps Minister of Geneva Convention Violatons (which should be vacant once you engineer that withdrawal of US troops).
Can I be the Minister of Pointlessly Snide Remarks? Or maybe the Undersecretary for Believing Everything I Read? I'd even settle for Director of Illegally Profiting from Pork Belly Futures or Executive Secretary for Wagging the Dog.
Congratulations on your election! I know you always wanted to start with Andorra, but with Iraq you have an exportable product. Good show, Old Man!
I see that the post for Over-Under Secretary of Dismissive Right-Wing Condescension has already been filled. An excellent move in the current political climate, and a good starting point for establishing diplomacy and spreading freedom -- at least as some people define it -- throughout the land.
Onward and upward, sir!
Nice riposte, Chad. Now if I only knew what an Over-Under Secrertary was... (This is starting to sound like a Monty Python sketch.) We here at the Condescending Right-Wing Political Re-Education Department appreciate your recognition. We work hard to be an effective and useful part of the new regime.
In the meantime, it hardly seems that government of Iraq can be worse with Jim in charge and the both of us supporting him.
Amen to that, Mr. Over-Under Secretary. (That's first-in-command once-removed, a kind of Cabinet Cousin, just below the Over-Over Secretary but just above the Over-Undertaker Secretary, who supervises all silly walks and dead parrots.)
I would, in fact, be more confident in a Pasconian regime than in anything else we're likely to see over the next year, especially if he managed to assemble a fine, unilateral cabinet that included the right, the left, the over, the under, the independent, the dependent, the incandescent, the fluorescent, the fluff, and the stuff. We would all rule the rule, as it were.
Viva El Pascoe!
I'm not interested in any kind of cabinet or underling post, but once JP officially takes over the imperial reins, I think that "interim throne" would make a nice addition to my dining room table.
I nominate JP and the Foreskins to play the innauguration (or should I say coronation).
Thank you, all, for your well wishes. Cabinet assignments will be posted soon. I'm also looking for a good slogan. Something more interesting than, "Freedom Now" or "Peace with Pascoe." Something like "Long Live the New Flesh," with with more of a Middle East flair. Suggestions?
Omak bit nam mah gamal?
"It's a Sunni day"?
"Time for a Ba'ath"?
Note that the word "Iraq" derives from "Uruk", the name of an ancient Sumerian city, and also used to describe the ferocious orc/goblin hybrids in LOTR (Ururk-Hai). Frikkin' hobbits again.
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